Thursday 26 June 2014

Chapter 6: Lesson learned, never try and read nonsensical books while drunk.


SO FUNNY STORY YOU GUYS. Last night I had like, half a bottle of wine (not even, haha) and was like, hey, I might be able to read CC’s novel while I’m a bit tipsy (I am the biggest lightweight ever at the moment, since I am actually a grandmother who never drinks).

Boy, was I wrong.


Thursday 19 June 2014

Chapter 5 of The Mortal Instruments: The City of Bones: I should apologise for the CSI references in this recap, but I'm not gonna.



Whaddup y’all, I’m in a coffee shop doing this recap because sometimes I like to pretend I’m a real writer who drinks coffee and only does this for a living instead of someone who packs people’s groceries into a paper bag.
When we last left Fairy she was being spirted away by possibly (and most likely) predatory Jace and he was taking her to the ‘institute’ which, yeah that sounds totally safe and reasonable, man we don’t know and just met.

Saturday 14 June 2014

Chapter 4 of City of Bones: I really want ramen soup, now.



I get A LOT of notifications about page traffic for this blog, but I’m sad because no one ever seems to leave comments! I love responding to them, so please don’t feel like I might think them dumb! Comment away!

This chapter is called “Ravener” and while I can feel an Edgar Allen Poe joke in here, I’m more annoyed that it’s not a word that exists in the English language, which means it’s made up, in which case I’m annoyed that it’s such a badly created word.

When we last left our daring, brave hero (ha. Hahahhaa.) she was running home because her mother just died offscreen, and the chapter begins with this sentence:

The night had gotten even hotter, and running home felt like swimming as fast as she could through boiling soup.
I don't understand it either, Ron.

Tuesday 10 June 2014

Chapter 3 of City of Bones: My slow descent into rage and insanity is already beginning.


We’re BACK. I’m not drinking but I have cucumber and mint water so I guess that’ll have to do.

For anyone wondering about the whole Cassandra Clare ‘controversy’, here’s a handy (and incredibly long) link detailing a lot of the shitty stuff that happened.

This chapter is called ‘Shadowhunter’, which sort of feels like Cassandra is hitting me over the head with her plot, but I’ll let it slide.

They get to ‘Jimmy Bob’s Coffee Cafe’ or whatever the hell it is to hear their friend read poetry and we get this absolutely delightful description:

Eric was already onstage, swaying back and forth in front of the microphone with his eyes squinched shut. He’d dyed the tips of his hair pink for the occasion. Behind him, Matt, looking stoned, was beating irregularly on a djembe.



Thursday 5 June 2014

Chapter 2 of The City of Bones: The Sea Vegetable Conspiracy starts practising tomorrow at 9, everyone welcome.

I just wanna clarify to anyone reading this: I’m not a book snob. You can take a look at my Goodreads and see the last three books I read were all cheesy YA lit and I enjoyed the crap outta them. I read the first three books of Twilight and enjoyed them (for the most part), I read The Vampire Diaries, I’ve read all those books with pretty slim girls in big ball gowns on the cover and been totally unabashed about my love for the escape they present; however, I’ve never pretended they were perfect. I’m not reading TMI series because I’m seeking to make anyone who reads this series and enjoys it feel bad about themselves—you’re not lesser because you like a badly written book!—I’m reading it because it’s popular, and because I’m interested in cultural phenomenon. A book being poorly written isn’t your fault, so don’t take any of the things I’m saying here personally (unless you’re Cassandra Clare, in which case, girl I told you I’d be your editor), just enjoy it! It’s okay to poke fun at things!

We’ve just left the Bangin’ Ecstasy Party Club and here we are at Chapter Two: Secrets and Lies. Our hero, Fairy, is trying to draw something:

Wednesday 4 June 2014

Célina Reads The Mortal Instruments: Chapter 1

Just downloaded the first three books of the Mortal Instruments series because I love YA literature but I know all about the whole kerfuffle with Cassandra Clare so... well basically I'm a bitch and I love to rip things apart while my unfinished novel sits in drafts. I know pretty much next to nothing about the plot of this book, all I know is that Clary is Ginny, and that it was a Harry Potter fanfic before she decided she was too lazy to write anything else. I never read the Draco Trilogy, either, so I'm coming into this completely blind.

Everything in italics and quotes is actually verbatim from the book itself.

It opens with a Shakespeare and a Milton quote, so you know, at least she did her English homework in high school.