Everything in italics and quotes is actually verbatim from the book itself.
It opens with a Shakespeare and a Milton quote, so you know, at least she did her English homework in high school.
It’s a cold open, which is okay when it’s done well (and it’s hit or miss a lot of the time) and our protagonists (I’m guessing) are in line for a club. I’ve got the main girl’s name already, Clary, but only because I know that from the internet. Also, Clary is a terrible name and no one can tell me otherwise. She is henceforth known to me as Fairy, because Clary is just dumb.
“He had electric-blue dyed hair that stuck up around his head like the tendrils of a startled octopus”
Okay for real I’m like two sentences in and we’re getting this? My teacher would have sent this back with a gigantic red marker through it. It’s kind of a cute image, I guess, but the thing is, we were just treated to a quote from Julius Caesar and Paradise Lost, which sets up the expectation for something serious. And this is... not.
“It bent as easily as a blade of grass bending sideways.”
ARE YOU KIDDING ME. ARE YOU ACTUALLY—no. No I can’t do this yet. Why grass? I can think of so many different things that bend easily off the top of my head!
- the spine of a paperback
- a straw
- wire
- an olympic gymnast
Do you think she wrote that line and just leaned back in her chair and was like, 'Oh, yeah. That's it, that's the line. Man, I am so clever. How else would they know what this PIECE OF FOAM WHICH ALREADY BENDS REALLY EASILY bends like? I am so good'?
“the color of antifreeze, spring grass”
Okay here’s a picture of antifreeze:
 |
| did anyone else think antifreeze was blue? because I did |
And here’s a picture of spring grass:
 |
| mmm, hayfever |
Not only do they not look alike, but what is with this lady and her grass obsession? PICK ONE, CASSANDRA. IT CAN'T BE BOTH.
“Clary liked the lilt to his shoulders, the way he tossed his hair as he went. There was a word for him that her mother would have used—insouciant.”
If this lady wrote this past the age of 15 there is no excuse for this. Absolutely none. One, that is not a word a lot of people use. Hell, I only know it because I’m French. Cassandra cannot seem to make up her mind on what sort of tone she wants this book to have—first it’s large vocabulary and quotes of epics, but then we have people’s hair being compared to startled octopuses. Two, this sentence makes no damn sense: why not just describe him as carefree? Why do we need to hear about it in this weird roundabout way? WHY DO YOU DO THESE THINGS?
We're jumping back and forth between Fairy and this weird Punky Brewster with blue hair in POV now, even though I guess it's technically omniscient, which is getting irritating. He's entered the club (and so have Fairy and Ron!Lite AKA Simon) and he's like... not a good person? I guess?
“fooling the mundies”
“fooling the mundies”
I’m going to immediately assume that this is where the word ‘muggles’ was in her fic.
“Girls tossed their long hair, boys swung their leather-clad hips, and bare skin glittered with sweat.”
I don’t know what party this is but why wasn’t I invited.
We find out that the wooden beam that was made of foam that bent as easily as a blade of grass bending sideways (seriously guys, that’s like my new favourite saying) was actually a knife. We’re being introduced to ‘Glamours’, and then ‘Mundies’ and whatever this dude is. I’m also gonna guess he’s Draco? But I could be totally wrong. He’s scoping out a muggle victim, and we get this description:
“He stared at her. She was beautiful, for a human—long hair nearly the precise color of black ink, charcoaled eyes. Floor-length white gown, the kind women used to wear when this world was younger. Lace sleeves belled out around her slim arms. Around her neck was a thick silver chain, on which hung a dark red pendant the size of a baby’s fist”
[record scratch]
TELL ME THAT ISN’T AN AWKWARD WAY TO END THIS. This is a great description! I mean, it doesn’t actually tell me shit about what the woman looked like, but the things being described are being described pretty well! But then we get a pendant the size of a baby’s fist? And if I'm really going to nitpick this, Cassandra has this weird habit (that I'm noticing already like 5 pages in) of describing things in a wishy-washy way--her hair wasn't ink black, but it was nearly so. Things like that.
“Girls tossed their long hair, boys swung their leather-clad hips, and bare skin glittered with sweat.”
I don’t know what party this is but why wasn’t I invited.
We find out that the wooden beam that was made of foam that bent as easily as a blade of grass bending sideways (seriously guys, that’s like my new favourite saying) was actually a knife. We’re being introduced to ‘Glamours’, and then ‘Mundies’ and whatever this dude is. I’m also gonna guess he’s Draco? But I could be totally wrong. He’s scoping out a muggle victim, and we get this description:
“He stared at her. She was beautiful, for a human—long hair nearly the precise color of black ink, charcoaled eyes. Floor-length white gown, the kind women used to wear when this world was younger. Lace sleeves belled out around her slim arms. Around her neck was a thick silver chain, on which hung a dark red pendant the size of a baby’s fist”
[record scratch]
TELL ME THAT ISN’T AN AWKWARD WAY TO END THIS. This is a great description! I mean, it doesn’t actually tell me shit about what the woman looked like, but the things being described are being described pretty well! But then we get a pendant the size of a baby’s fist? And if I'm really going to nitpick this, Cassandra has this weird habit (that I'm noticing already like 5 pages in) of describing things in a wishy-washy way--her hair wasn't ink black, but it was nearly so. Things like that.
So Punky decides to follow Baby's Fist (I'll stop giving them weird nicknames when they actually GET NAMED) and it's very predatory and she leads him into a supply closet, which, alright. I mean, it's not uncommon to see people making out in clubs so I dunno why that didn't set off any alarm bells but cool.
“He glanced behind him—no one was looking. So much the better if she wanted privacy. He slipped into the room after her, unaware that he was being followed.”
Here’s the problem—I haven’t actually figured out what point of view this is yet. We have Punky (who isn’t NAMED YET and that is my biggest pet peeve because like, unless you have an absolutely AMAZING reason not to give them a name, GIVE THEM A NAME), who has stated, like through this point of view, that no one was looking at him. This isn’t “he glanced behind him, and didn’t see anyone looking”, this is “no one was looking”. This is from the omniscient narrator stating that no one is there, but then the next sentence literally says there was someone there.
I AM ON THE THIRD PAGE YOU GUYS.
“He glanced behind him—no one was looking. So much the better if she wanted privacy. He slipped into the room after her, unaware that he was being followed.”
Here’s the problem—I haven’t actually figured out what point of view this is yet. We have Punky (who isn’t NAMED YET and that is my biggest pet peeve because like, unless you have an absolutely AMAZING reason not to give them a name, GIVE THEM A NAME), who has stated, like through this point of view, that no one was looking at him. This isn’t “he glanced behind him, and didn’t see anyone looking”, this is “no one was looking”. This is from the omniscient narrator stating that no one is there, but then the next sentence literally says there was someone there.
I AM ON THE THIRD PAGE YOU GUYS.
We then unceremoniously go backwards in time to when Fairy and Simon enter the club and switch to their point of view.
“They were dancing, or what passed for it—a lot of swaying back and forth with occasional lunges toward the floor as if one of them had dropped a contact lens”
I can’t stop laughing at this sentence. Clary already FEELS like a judgy middle-aged woman. Oh my God. I also have no idea what she's describing-- is she describing 'getting low'?
“They were dancing, or what passed for it—a lot of swaying back and forth with occasional lunges toward the floor as if one of them had dropped a contact lens”
I can’t stop laughing at this sentence. Clary already FEELS like a judgy middle-aged woman. Oh my God. I also have no idea what she's describing-- is she describing 'getting low'?
Shawty had them apple bottom jeans/Boots with the fur (with the fur)/she had the whole club lookin' at her/she hit the floor/next thing you know/shawty dropped her contact lens and bent down to try and find it.
Also, girl, if you drop a contact lens in the middle of the club there ain’t no way you’d be looking for it that lens is gone and you don’t want it anywhere near your eye.
“between a group of teenage boys in metallic corsets, and a young Asian couple who were making out passionately, their colored hair extensions tangled together like vines. A boy with a lip piercing and a teddy bear backpack was handing out free tablets of herbal ecstasy, his parachute pants flapping in the breeze from the wind machine.”
I’m not going to comment on the weird ‘young asian couple’ thing because... I’m white and I don’t even know where to start with it, but man did I get a fucking kick out of all of this. THE PARACHUTE PANTS FLAPPING IN THE BREEZE OF THE WIND MACHINE. Holy shit you guys. The hair extensions tangled together like vines! Do vines get tangled? How did the hair extensions get that way! Who cares you guys everyone here is on E and it's CRAZY!!!
Sigh.
“He was prowling through the crowd as if he were looking for something. There was something about the way he moved that reminded her of something …”
SAY SOMETHING I’M GIVING UP ON YOU
Okay but rule 1 of writing don’t fucking repeat yourself it’s awkward to read DIDN’’T ANYONE EDIT THIS.
Simon is (unintentionally?) a sarcastic asshole and he seems like my kinda guy. I guarantee he’s gonna end up filed under the “Characters that authors accidentally made more hilarious and interesting than their protagonist” like Jacob Black.
““Meanwhile,” Simon added, “I wanted to tell you that lately I’ve been cross-dressing. Also, I’m sleeping with your mom. I thought you should know.””
I LOVE HIM ALREADY.
Anyway, Fairy is freaking out because she’s spotted whoever was following Punky, and they have a knife.
“She pointed wildly, almost hitting a curvy black girl who was dancing nearby. The girl shot her an evil look. “Sorry—sorry!””
Do I need to keep a weird tally of random stereotype mentions or...? And also, why would the girl shoot her a look/Fairy apologise if she didn’t actually hit her?
“He was prowling through the crowd as if he were looking for something. There was something about the way he moved that reminded her of something …”
SAY SOMETHING I’M GIVING UP ON YOU
Okay but rule 1 of writing don’t fucking repeat yourself it’s awkward to read DIDN’’T ANYONE EDIT THIS.
Simon is (unintentionally?) a sarcastic asshole and he seems like my kinda guy. I guarantee he’s gonna end up filed under the “Characters that authors accidentally made more hilarious and interesting than their protagonist” like Jacob Black.
““Meanwhile,” Simon added, “I wanted to tell you that lately I’ve been cross-dressing. Also, I’m sleeping with your mom. I thought you should know.””
I LOVE HIM ALREADY.
Anyway, Fairy is freaking out because she’s spotted whoever was following Punky, and they have a knife.
“She pointed wildly, almost hitting a curvy black girl who was dancing nearby. The girl shot her an evil look. “Sorry—sorry!””
Do I need to keep a weird tally of random stereotype mentions or...? And also, why would the girl shoot her a look/Fairy apologise if she didn’t actually hit her?
Fairy freaks out, which is the first thing in this novel that makes any sense, and Simon goes to get security or something, but then Fairy decides to be exactly like her namesake and INSERT HERSELF INTO PLACES SHE DOESN'T BELONG (godDAMNIT Ginny your brothers told you not to fight!)
We switch again to Punky's POV, which, okay, whatever. We're in a supply closet.
“He walked toward her, stepping carefully among the wires in case any of them were live.”
YES BECAUSE IN THE SUPPLY CLOSET IS WHERE THEY KEEP ALL THOSE LIVE WIRES JUST HANGING AROUND ON THE GROUND.
The hot renaissance girl turns out to be bad(?) and BRINGS A WHIP OUT OF NOWHERE which I can’t decide if it’s badass or really really weird. Like, it’s gold, that seems so impractical. Also her name is finally given to me, but I think I like Baby's Fist better.
“No human girl would wear a dress like the one Isabelle wore. She’d worn it to cover her skin—all of her skin.”
I’m sure this has something to do with whatever she is having tattoos or whatever to cover but I’m gonna start a casual slut-shaming count right over here.
And then we have a reveal a la Bella and Edward aka so corny and stupid:
““You know what I am.”
Far back inside his skull, the shackled boy’s second set of teeth began to grind.
“Shadowhunter,” he hissed.”
This is all actually really confusing to me, because... I think this is Punky calling the other two boys a Shadowhunter? But I CAN'T TELL because she hasn't NAMED anyone.
“He walked toward her, stepping carefully among the wires in case any of them were live.”
YES BECAUSE IN THE SUPPLY CLOSET IS WHERE THEY KEEP ALL THOSE LIVE WIRES JUST HANGING AROUND ON THE GROUND.
The hot renaissance girl turns out to be bad(?) and BRINGS A WHIP OUT OF NOWHERE which I can’t decide if it’s badass or really really weird. Like, it’s gold, that seems so impractical. Also her name is finally given to me, but I think I like Baby's Fist better.
“No human girl would wear a dress like the one Isabelle wore. She’d worn it to cover her skin—all of her skin.”
I’m sure this has something to do with whatever she is having tattoos or whatever to cover but I’m gonna start a casual slut-shaming count right over here.
And then we have a reveal a la Bella and Edward aka so corny and stupid:
““You know what I am.”
Far back inside his skull, the shackled boy’s second set of teeth began to grind.
“Shadowhunter,” he hissed.”
 |
| I'll stop finding it funny when it stops being funny |
This is all actually really confusing to me, because... I think this is Punky calling the other two boys a Shadowhunter? But I CAN'T TELL because she hasn't NAMED anyone.
So Fairy has followed them and steps into this storage room which is apparently GIGANTIC because no one notices her entrance and she can hide behind a concrete pillar? I’m having a hard time understanding this. I mean I'm having a hard time understanding this writing in general but this part makes no sense to me.
“her black hair hanging down her back like damp seaweed.”
This woman has the weirdest way of writing similes.
“facing the punk kid, who was tied to a pillar with what looked like piano wire, his hands stretched behind him, his legs bound at the ankles.”
??
???????
Where did they get the piano wire? Why does Fairy know it’s piano wire? Why are his hands stretched? Why AM I READING THIS?
““Demons,” drawled the blond boy, tracing the word on the air with his finger. “Religiously defined as hell’s denizens, the servants of Satan, but understood here, for the purposes of the Clave, to be any malevolent spirit whose origin is outside our own home dimension—””
Well SOMEBODY has been reading too much Milton. Also yay! We've met the real Draco!Lite!
We basically find out that Jace (why, just... why), Isabelle, and Alec are demons. And then there’s confirmation that Fairy is a ‘mundie’ which means oy vey this is going straight to Sue-town because apparently she shouldn’t be able to see them but she can—which, whatever. So Fairy is just Katniss’ing it up and stepping into dangerous situations right now and being all, 'I VOLUNTEER!', which distracts Draco long enough that Punky attacks him.
There’s a fight, in which Isabelle uses HER WHIP WHICH IS STILL HILARIOUS TO ME. Whips are so impractical, I don’t understand any of this. Punky Brewster also grew claws, so we’ve got an Xmen crossover happening too.
Look, at this point, I’m just as confused as you are.
“Blackish liquid exploded around the hilt. The boy arched of the floor, gurgling and twisting. With a grimace Jace stood up. His black shirt was blacker now in some places, wet with blood. He looked down at the twitching form at his feet, reached down, and yanked out the knife. The hilt was slick with black fluid”
How is a black shirt getting blacker?
Cassandra, I will edit your books for you if it means I don’t have to read the word ‘blackish’ and variations of it FOUR TIMES IN A FUCKING ROW.
This woman has the weirdest way of writing similes.
“facing the punk kid, who was tied to a pillar with what looked like piano wire, his hands stretched behind him, his legs bound at the ankles.”
??
???????
Where did they get the piano wire? Why does Fairy know it’s piano wire? Why are his hands stretched? Why AM I READING THIS?
““Demons,” drawled the blond boy, tracing the word on the air with his finger. “Religiously defined as hell’s denizens, the servants of Satan, but understood here, for the purposes of the Clave, to be any malevolent spirit whose origin is outside our own home dimension—””
Well SOMEBODY has been reading too much Milton. Also yay! We've met the real Draco!Lite!
We basically find out that Jace (why, just... why), Isabelle, and Alec are demons. And then there’s confirmation that Fairy is a ‘mundie’ which means oy vey this is going straight to Sue-town because apparently she shouldn’t be able to see them but she can—which, whatever. So Fairy is just Katniss’ing it up and stepping into dangerous situations right now and being all, 'I VOLUNTEER!', which distracts Draco long enough that Punky attacks him.
There’s a fight, in which Isabelle uses HER WHIP WHICH IS STILL HILARIOUS TO ME. Whips are so impractical, I don’t understand any of this. Punky Brewster also grew claws, so we’ve got an Xmen crossover happening too.
Look, at this point, I’m just as confused as you are.
“Blackish liquid exploded around the hilt. The boy arched of the floor, gurgling and twisting. With a grimace Jace stood up. His black shirt was blacker now in some places, wet with blood. He looked down at the twitching form at his feet, reached down, and yanked out the knife. The hilt was slick with black fluid”
How is a black shirt getting blacker?
Cassandra, I will edit your books for you if it means I don’t have to read the word ‘blackish’ and variations of it FOUR TIMES IN A FUCKING ROW.
Fairy is watching all of this of course, and then everyone is VERY MAD because she SHOULDN'T BE ABLE TO SEE THINGS and she is a WITNESS.
“Jace drew his arm away. A ghoulish freckling of blood marked his face. He still reminded her of a lion, with his wide-spaced, light-colored eyes, and that tawny gold hair.”
Okay, what? We have not heard Fairy describe Draco!Lite once so far, so how can he ‘still’ remind her of a lion?
““Have you had dealings with demons, little girl? Walked with warlocks, talked with the Night Children?"
Calm down, Gilderoy. No need to list all of your book titles right now.
“Jace drew his arm away. A ghoulish freckling of blood marked his face. He still reminded her of a lion, with his wide-spaced, light-colored eyes, and that tawny gold hair.”
Okay, what? We have not heard Fairy describe Draco!Lite once so far, so how can he ‘still’ remind her of a lion?
““Have you had dealings with demons, little girl? Walked with warlocks, talked with the Night Children?"
Calm down, Gilderoy. No need to list all of your book titles right now.
Simon comes back with a bouncer (because, yes, that's who you get in the event of an emergency at a club) and he's like, "why are you standing in a gigantic room that is apparently a supply closet all on your own?" and I'm like, "me too, Simon. Me too."
But they leave because apparently no one wants to ask her about the knife she saw or whatever, and they're waiting for a cab in the street and this happens:
“Clary raised her hand again as a yellow shape sped toward them through the fog.”
Remember what I said earlier about wishy-washy descriptions? This sort of falls in the same category, or at the very least under the same umbrella. I feel like this is something a lot of writers who are starting out do (myself included). We have a tendency to describe things way more complicated than they need to be because we feel like it’s nicer to read, but it’s not, it’s just frustrating. The reader knows what the yellow shape racing through the fog is, why not just say the taxi? It doesn’t add anything to the story.
So that’s the end of the first chapter. We met Fairy, who’s a mundie, and Simon, who presumably is one as well. Then we met Jace (which I just cannot with that name what on earth) and Crabbe and Goyle or whatever. I know they’re in Brooklyn, I know that Demons and Shadowhunters exist, which makes this feel a bit like Supernatural. Here’s hoping the Winchesters show up next chapter and just end this whole thing!
But they leave because apparently no one wants to ask her about the knife she saw or whatever, and they're waiting for a cab in the street and this happens:
“Clary raised her hand again as a yellow shape sped toward them through the fog.”
Remember what I said earlier about wishy-washy descriptions? This sort of falls in the same category, or at the very least under the same umbrella. I feel like this is something a lot of writers who are starting out do (myself included). We have a tendency to describe things way more complicated than they need to be because we feel like it’s nicer to read, but it’s not, it’s just frustrating. The reader knows what the yellow shape racing through the fog is, why not just say the taxi? It doesn’t add anything to the story.
So that’s the end of the first chapter. We met Fairy, who’s a mundie, and Simon, who presumably is one as well. Then we met Jace (which I just cannot with that name what on earth) and Crabbe and Goyle or whatever. I know they’re in Brooklyn, I know that Demons and Shadowhunters exist, which makes this feel a bit like Supernatural. Here’s hoping the Winchesters show up next chapter and just end this whole thing!
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