Chapter 17 of The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones: The Tragic Hero Backstory Lies Within

Two updates in less than a week and a half?! It’s like I’m Father Christmas or something.

this is like the most obscure friends reference ever but I have faith SOME OF YOU WILL GET IT.

Chapter 16 of The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones: If a YA Novel Doesn't Have a Love Triangle, Does It Really Count as a YA Novel?

I know Julianne Hough is in this gif and that's distracting BUT LOOK AT ALFIE ENOCH AND TELL ME THAT ISN'T THE FUNNIEST FACE EVER.

Hey hey y’all! Exams are done, school is out for the year (until like two weeks from now), and I finally have time to update my blog again!

We left our ‘heroes’ escaping very undramatically from a gang of werewolves and vampires, and then letting Simon mack on her so Jace could have his stoic man!pain.

They get back to The Institution and Hodge is Very Upset With Them:

Chapter 15 of The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones: I just wrote two academic papers and I think my brain might be crying.

First things first:

SERIOUSLY I AM SO SORRY. This semester kicked my ass and not even in a fun, friendly way. It curb-stomped me. I cannot even believe I’m still able to coherently create sentences.

If you don’t remember where we left off (and I don’t blame you) Fairy and Jace had just infiltrated our vampire clan for Simon, and then some werewolves showed up.

Seriously, that’s what happened.

So, yes. Some wolves busted into an old hotel while Fairy and Jace were having a standoff with some vampires, and then the chapter begins with an elementary school lesson of Spanish:

“Los Niños de la Luna,” he hissed. Even Clary, whose Spanish was almost nonexistent, knew what he had said. The Moon’s Children—werewolves.

Yes, thank you for that. Why not just use the actual Spanish word for werewolf?

Chapter 14 of The Mortal Instruments: The City of Bones: Now with added self-loathing and token minorities!

Hey guys! So I’ve been a bit MIA because I’m moving in two weeks and just finished that lovely season of University where you’re handing in essays and doing midterms. I have a bit of a break right now (I use the term break lightly) and I thought, why not read another chapter!

Chapter 14 is called “The Hotel Dumort” which is a cute French pun, but also kinda annoying when you realise she named the vampire hideout that.

I’m thinking about skipping her long paragraphs of travelling description, but I feel like that will be cheating a bit, so I’ll suffer through them for you.

Chapter 13 of The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones: I can grudgingly admit that I'm enjoying this but I feel like that has everything to do with Magnus Bane.

I have a confession to make: this has been sitting open and unfinished on my laptop for like a week now. I know, I know, I’m sorry, but life got crazy and I couldn’t do anything about it!

We left the last chapter on another underwhelming cliff-hanger, as is the norm in this book, I feel. Again, I wouldn’t have as much of a problem with it if it weren’t for the fact that they’re so soap-opera-esque that it makes the book funny in places there shouldn’t be humour.

There is a teeny tiny rape content warning just for a mention of the word/discussion of it, just as a forewarning.

Chapter 12 of The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones: This chapter was mercifully short and I'm pleased with that, at least.

School just started so I bet I’m gonna go a week without updating this but I’m gonna try really hard not to! They really only take about an hour, mainly because I’m usually so busy trying actively to not read it, because it sucks.

Remember how at the end of the next chapter I told you that I bet the beginning of this chapter would start with them travelling to this party? Guess what:

They made their way from the subway station, Isabelle navigating with the Sensor, which seemed to have a sort of mapping system built in.

just imagine these as all of my facial expressions while reading this book from now on.

Chapter 11 of The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones: apparently I just wanted to reference some awesome 90s movies today.

Jace leaned forward and banged his hand against the partition separating them from the cab driver. “Turn left! Left! I said to take Broadway, you brain-dead moron!”

And this is how the 11th chapter of this wondrous book opens up—our romantic hero abusing a service worker—sooooo charming, right ladies? I’m sure we’re all just falling over ourselves to find someone like him.

Basically, Jace wants breakfast and he wants it now. I don’t get this—we literally left off with Clary finding out someone really fucking powerful left a block in her brain and it’s up to her to figure it out so she can find her mother, and yet here we are listening to Jace invite the whole freaking gang out for breakfast because... why? Does this scene need to happen?

Chapter 10 of The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones: I'm really sick right now so cut me some slack.

First, I’d like to apologise for being such a level 10 butt and not updating for two whole weeks, because apparently I got super busy and couldn’t deal with it. So, yeah, my bad!

I last left this book on an intolerable cliffhanger, obviously, since I didn’t think about this story the whole two weeks, which is exactly what you want as a writer. We found out that Valentine (Voldy) was married to Fairy’s mom, which... I guess is something I didn’t see coming. But the thing is, she never dropped any hints that this was a possibility to the reader the whole time, so it’s not really a big reveal if she just held all the cards under the table and was like ‘nothing to see here! Move along!’ until she decided she was ready. Part of the fun of reading is guessing what’s behind the cards.

Hodge raised his hands wearily. “Children—”
“I’m not a child.” Clary spun away from the desk.

Ah, the wonderful “I’m not a little girl anymore omg!!!11!!” line, slotted in to make all the teenagers reading this novel feel older. I get it, I definitely felt like an adult at 15, but man is it weird to read this as an actual adult, because... yes you are, Fairy.

Chapter 9 of The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones: I abuse italics way more than I should in this recap.

We’re back for another episode of ‘How Many Ways Can Cassandra Clare Use Weird and Totally Not Accurate Equivalent Similes to Describe Things That Don’t Need Describing’! Hope you’re all excited!

We start off with some lovely sentence confusion that probably could’ve been cleared up with some editing:

Clary stepped forward to touch Jace’s arm, say something, anything—what did you say to someone who’d just seen his father’s killers? Her hesitation turned out not to matter; Jace shrugged her touch off as if it stung.

SO, Clary moved forward to touch his arm, but this sets it up as if she’s in motion and hasn’t actually reached his arm yet, but then the next sentence is Jace shrugging off her touch, which I assumed hadn’t actually happened yet. THIS BOOK, GUYS.

Chapter 8 of The Mortal Instruments: The City of Bones: Simon's character death is getting so painful for me. :(

And we’re back! Of all the books I’ve planned to read this summer, I cannot believe this one is taking me this long. Especially because I still haven’t finished my Dickens novel and I feel like I’m cheating by wasting time on this but WHATEVER.

Fairy just fell through a portal... thing, and the first sentence (like every other first sentence of each chapter in this book) made me stop and go “WHY”:

The sensation of falling was the worst part: her heart flew up into her throat and her stomach turned to water.

As opposed to the entirely solid stuff that your stomach has in it in the first place?

Chapter 7 of The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones: Fairy is the worst friend in existence.

I think weekly is the easiest way to update this, so let’s go with every Thursday/Friday (until that stops working because I have the dumbest schedule). I’m really hangry right now and waiting for pasta to boil so let’s take out some misplaced anger on the book:

They’re shown into the apartment with really vague ~mystical~ descriptions of what it looks like (if you’re picturing every fortune tellers apartment from 90s TV shows then you are absolutely correct). We also get to find out that Madame D (as she will henceforth be known) dabbles in literally every cultures’ kind of fortune-telling, which reads less as Madame D knowing her shit and more as CC just googling ‘fortune telling’ and mashing everything she could find into this one character.

Anyway, Mme D asks if they want tea and we get possibly the funniest (and not intentionally so) passage so far in this book. I’m not lying when I tell you I cackled with glee when I read it:

“I’ll have tea,”
[ ... ]
Jace succumbed. “All right. As long as it isn’t Earl Grey,” he added, wrinkling his fineboned nose. “I hate bergamot.”
Madame Dorothea cackled loudly and disappeared back through the bead curtain, leaving it swaying gently behind her.

Mme D is me, you guys. She’s me.

Chapter 6: Lesson learned, never try and read nonsensical books while drunk.

SO FUNNY STORY YOU GUYS. Last night I had like, half a bottle of wine (not even, haha) and was like, hey, I might be able to read CC’s novel while I’m a bit tipsy (I am the biggest lightweight ever at the moment, since I am actually a grandmother who never drinks).

Boy, was I wrong.

Chapter 5 of The Mortal Instruments: The City of Bones: I should apologise for the CSI references in this recap, but I'm not gonna.

Whaddup y’all, I’m in a coffee shop doing this recap because sometimes I like to pretend I’m a real writer who drinks coffee and only does this for a living instead of someone who packs people’s groceries into a paper bag.
When we last left Fairy she was being spirted away by possibly (and most likely) predatory Jace and he was taking her to the ‘institute’ which, yeah that sounds totally safe and reasonable, man we don’t know and just met.

Chapter 4 of City of Bones: I really want ramen soup, now.

I get A LOT of notifications about page traffic for this blog, but I’m sad because no one ever seems to leave comments! I love responding to them, so please don’t feel like I might think them dumb! Comment away!

This chapter is called “Ravener” and while I can feel an Edgar Allen Poe joke in here, I’m more annoyed that it’s not a word that exists in the English language, which means it’s made up, in which case I’m annoyed that it’s such a badly created word.

When we last left our daring, brave hero (ha. Hahahhaa.) she was running home because her mother just died offscreen, and the chapter begins with this sentence:

The night had gotten even hotter, and running home felt like swimming as fast as she could through boiling soup.

I don't understand it either, Ron.

Chapter 3 of City of Bones: My slow descent into rage and insanity is already beginning.

We’re BACK. I’m not drinking but I have cucumber and mint water so I guess that’ll have to do.

For anyone wondering about the whole Cassandra Clare ‘controversy’, here’s a handy (and incredibly long) link detailing a lot of the shitty stuff that happened.

This chapter is called ‘Shadowhunter’, which sort of feels like Cassandra is hitting me over the head with her plot, but I’ll let it slide.

They get to ‘Jimmy Bob’s Coffee Cafe’ or whatever the hell it is to hear their friend read poetry and we get this absolutely delightful description:

Eric was already onstage, swaying back and forth in front of the microphone with his eyes squinched shut. He’d dyed the tips of his hair pink for the occasion. Behind him, Matt, looking stoned, was beating irregularly on a djembe.

Chapter 2 of The City of Bones: The Sea Vegetable Conspiracy starts practising tomorrow at 9, everyone welcome.

I just wanna clarify to anyone reading this: I’m not a book snob. You can take a look at my Goodreads and see the last three books I read were all cheesy YA lit and I enjoyed the crap outta them. I read the first three books of Twilight and enjoyed them (for the most part), I read The Vampire Diaries, I’ve read all those books with pretty slim girls in big ball gowns on the cover and been totally unabashed about my love for the escape they present; however, I’ve never pretended they were perfect. I’m not reading TMI series because I’m seeking to make anyone who reads this series and enjoys it feel bad about themselves—you’re not lesser because you like a badly written book!—I’m reading it because it’s popular, and because I’m interested in cultural phenomenon. A book being poorly written isn’t your fault, so don’t take any of the things I’m saying here personally (unless you’re Cassandra Clare, in which case, girl I told you I’d be your editor), just enjoy it! It’s okay to poke fun at things!

We’ve just left the Bangin’ Ecstasy Party Club and here we are at Chapter Two: Secrets and Lies. Our hero, Fairy, is trying to draw something:

Célina Reads The Mortal Instruments: Chapter 1

Just downloaded the first three books of the Mortal Instruments series because I love YA literature but I know all about the whole kerfuffle with Cassandra Clare so... well basically I'm a bitch and I love to rip things apart while my unfinished novel sits in drafts. I know pretty much next to nothing about the plot of this book, all I know is that Clary is Ginny, and that it was a Harry Potter fanfic before she decided she was too lazy to write anything else. I never read the Draco Trilogy, either, so I'm coming into this completely blind.

Everything in italics and quotes is actually verbatim from the book itself.

It opens with a Shakespeare and a Milton quote, so you know, at least she did her English homework in high school.