City of Ashes Chapter 12: there was some wine involved

So I might have got a bit tipsy and decided to write (some) of this recap--maybe it'll make me funny? Maybe it'll just make it more difficult to edit, who knows!

The triumphant return and chapter 11 of City of Ashes!

Hello, hello!

A few things to say--first of all, I'm so sorry for abandoning this for nearly two years. Well, I say abandonment, but in reality, I always sort of knew I'd be putting this blog on hold while I travelled to Australia (click here if you'd like to read about my shenanigans there).

The point is, I'm back, and I have time to read again! And write snarky things! And boy, oh boy, do I have a lot of snark in me right now. In terms of projects, I will continue with The Mortal Instruments (because my hatred of Cassandra Clare still runs so, so deep), but I'll also be starting a new series come June!

As many of my friends know, I have a really deep-seated hatred for the literary canon; specifically, I'm really mad about what is still consistently taught in high schools and lower-level university courses as 'classic' literature while completely ignoring other seminal works that are often (read: always) more diverse.

So, starting this June, I will also be revisiting novels and stories that I studied in high school and university, discussing whether or not I think they need to be retired from the curriculum, and suggesting ones that can perhaps replace them. I will, of course, also continue the book reviews on my GoodReads of the books I'm reading right now as well.

I have a few other ideas up my sleeve, but at the moment those are the two I'm most sure will be happening, so stick around!

And now, of course, on to the recap!

City of Ashes Chapter 10: I'm not saying I'm sick of vampires-- wait, no, that's exactly what I'm saying.

Maybe I'm being unfair to this chapter, because I got a bit tricked into reading a romance novel between a vampire and a witch the other day (why can't I just have my witchy paranormal novels? Why can't that be the next trend?!), but god I am sick to death of them.

Pun intended.

me when people tell me about the new vampire YA novels out

Not only that, but Cassandra Clare has named this chapter after my favourite line in one of my favourite poems ever, which has tainted it forever and I'm a bit pissy about it. I'm not trying to be elitist about it, it's a very popular and common poem, but seriously, why.

Anyway, onwards!

City of Ashes, Chapter 9: Plot Twist of the Century (that everyone saw coming)

After last week's sheer ridiculousness with Divergent, I can't believe I'm actually happy to return to City of Ashes. I'll say lots of terrible things about CC and the writing, but at least she managed to make a semi-compelling story (albeit a partly plagiarised one).

As you will remember, Clary and Jace kissed at the end of the last chapter, and then Simon ran home crying and retching once he realised his girlfriend was in love with her brother.

artist's rendition of Simon after leaving the Seelie Court

City of Ashes Chapter 8 Pt 2: Let's play how many people can CC offend in one chapter!

Part 1 can be found here.

Some fun things!

I've heard that CC's involvement with the Shadowhunters TV series is next to none, so while she's still making money off of it, at least the showrunners have a chance at salvaging this mess. And according to lots of people, they're doing a great job of it.

Also, I found out that Harry Shum Jr. plays Bane in the show and I'm just so... that's everything I could have asked for. It makes me want to watch it.

Right, let's bravely dive into the most infuriating chapter I've read in this series, so far.

City of Ashes, Chapter 7: It got really nice out where I am so I went outside instead of doing this

Look, I could give you a long-ass explanation as to why this is so damn late, but I’m gonna be honest with y’all… I got nothin’.

We last left our gang of fearful leaders as they were exiting the City of Convenient Plot Points, AKA the Silent City, where a whole race of people were just eradicated. I’m not even kidding; every single Silent Brother was just straight-up murdered.

So, on that light note, let the recap begin!

City of Ashes, Chapter 6: Last week there was no incest, this week...

Hey hey! Lots has happened since I last posted, so hopefully you’ll forgive my absence. But I’m officially a holder of a BA in English!

I like to think this adds some sort of merit to these reviews; in reality it makes me seem a little more pretentious, and I think I’m okay with that.

Fairy’s got her first tattoos, and now they’re off to fight the bad guys without Adult Supervision because they are Young Strong Teens who don’t need the help of anyone over seventeen.

what is the difference between Ariel and Clary? We just don't know.

City of Ashes, Chapter 4: I had to look up Dane Cook for this recap, so you're welcome.

You guys. YOU GUYS. I finished my undergraduate degree. From here on end I can read and write whatever I want and not feel guilty about it at all!

[nervously hides Grad School applications]

SO. I had said previously I would be going back to updating City of Ashes on the blog. The reason? I think they were funnier in this format. So my youtube channel will be reviews and stuff for a bit, but I’m figuring it out. Sit tight.

It’s been so long since I’ve read this book (and I’ve read so many other white male authors that CC is starting to look enticing) so I had to peek back at the last chapters but I’m caught up.

Basically, Jace is awaiting his trial by sword because he discovered that he's Voldentine's son and not Jace Wayland? Basically his parents thought they were raising their best friend's kid but they were actually raising the son of an evil mass murderer.

it's been 84 years and I can still hear the musical cue after I read this

She lives! And her computer sort of does, too! Chapter 23 + Epilogue of The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones: Why the fuck didn't y'all tell me there was an epilogue? ALWAYS WARN SOMEONE THERE IS AN EPILOGUE.

actual footage of me

[Here's chapter one if you wanna re-live it!]

Okay, I know. It’s July and I’m finally updating and finishing this novel—I’m so sorry! My computer has hand-to-God been unable to stay on for longer than 2 minutes for the last three months. Thankfully, it happened after exams and final papers, but, still, it was not a fun time. I will most likely have to replace it soon but everyone cross their fingers that it lasts at least another few months!

Here it is, though! The last chapter (unless there’s an epilogue—oh god, is there an epilogue?) of this series.

I just checked, there’s an epilogue. Fuck my life.

sidenote: why is The Nanny not on Netflix yet

Chapter 22 of The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones: This chapter was way too long and I'm never going to forgive this novel.

Hola! I’ve got like three research papers I should be doing but I thought, ‘fuck it, why not do another blog entry?’

And here we are.

So we just left Luke’s weird, long, convoluted story behind and now we get to listen to Fairy talk again (joy upon joys!).

“Say something, Clary.”
“What do you want me to say?”
He sighed. “Maybe that you understand?”

Chapter 21 of The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones: Werewolf McWerewolf and That Time I Included the Kanye Grammy Gif

Heeeeey everyone (including everyone that I know that has told me they read this stupid frickin’ blog and DON’T COMMENT ON IT AT ALL) it’s your favourite time of the week (or like... two three weeks. I’m a student, cut me some slack).

This whole chapter is from Luke’s (Werewolf McWerewolf of the series) point of view. That definitely sounds like a great time and not at all boring—

how I feel about this whole ordeal

Luke begins his story discussing how Fairy’s mom and him were childhood friends.

Chapter 20 of The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones: As If I Needed Another Reason to Ignore My Papers

Hey y’all!

It’s been pointed out to me that the cliffhanger we were left with last time is almost identical to the Harry/Dumbledore/Draco scene in The Lightning Struck Tower, wherein Fairy is immobilised behind a wall, and a betrayal happens in front of her that she does not understand (and that I’m sure later on we will learn was planned or had some noble motive behind it).

I mean it just seems really familiar....

Chapter 19 of The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones: I Got to Use So Many Cat .gifs In This Update, So I'm Really Pleased.

Hello, hello!

We are in the final stages of this book! I have 200 pages of reading in each class on average per week but my god we are going to finish this.

Fairy has just pulled the cup out of the tarot card, and apparently no one is impressed:

Chapter 18 of The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones: Something is Finally Happening! Well, Sort Of.

Hey hey guys! It’s time to find out what kind of overdramatic makeup Fairy, Simon, and Jace are gonna have!

We last left them after Fairy kissed Jace on a rooftop, and then Simon caught them, and it was all very soap opera, oh... and I think there was something about a plot in there somewhere, but I can’t quite remember it.

This chapter switches and is told from Jace’s point of view... I’m sure the author has a great reason for this, and I hope it’s not so that we can get Fairy’s super Special Beauty described to us over and over:

She was clutching her sketchpad, her bright hair escaping out of its braids. He leaned against the door frame, ignoring the kick of adrenaline the sight of her produced. He wondered why, not for the first time. Isabelle used her beauty like she used her whip, but Clary didn’t know she was beautiful at all. Maybe that was why.

Chapter 17 of The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones: The Tragic Hero Backstory Lies Within

Two updates in less than a week and a half?! It’s like I’m Father Christmas or something.

this is like the most obscure friends reference ever but I have faith SOME OF YOU WILL GET IT.

Chapter 16 of The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones: If a YA Novel Doesn't Have a Love Triangle, Does It Really Count as a YA Novel?

I know Julianne Hough is in this gif and that's distracting BUT LOOK AT ALFIE ENOCH AND TELL ME THAT ISN'T THE FUNNIEST FACE EVER.

Hey hey y’all! Exams are done, school is out for the year (until like two weeks from now), and I finally have time to update my blog again!

We left our ‘heroes’ escaping very undramatically from a gang of werewolves and vampires, and then letting Simon mack on her so Jace could have his stoic man!pain.

They get back to The Institution and Hodge is Very Upset With Them:

Chapter 15 of The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones: I just wrote two academic papers and I think my brain might be crying.

First things first:

SERIOUSLY I AM SO SORRY. This semester kicked my ass and not even in a fun, friendly way. It curb-stomped me. I cannot even believe I’m still able to coherently create sentences.

If you don’t remember where we left off (and I don’t blame you) Fairy and Jace had just infiltrated our vampire clan for Simon, and then some werewolves showed up.

Seriously, that’s what happened.

So, yes. Some wolves busted into an old hotel while Fairy and Jace were having a standoff with some vampires, and then the chapter begins with an elementary school lesson of Spanish:

“Los Niños de la Luna,” he hissed. Even Clary, whose Spanish was almost nonexistent, knew what he had said. The Moon’s Children—werewolves.

Yes, thank you for that. Why not just use the actual Spanish word for werewolf?

Chapter 14 of The Mortal Instruments: The City of Bones: Now with added self-loathing and token minorities!

Hey guys! So I’ve been a bit MIA because I’m moving in two weeks and just finished that lovely season of University where you’re handing in essays and doing midterms. I have a bit of a break right now (I use the term break lightly) and I thought, why not read another chapter!

Chapter 14 is called “The Hotel Dumort” which is a cute French pun, but also kinda annoying when you realise she named the vampire hideout that.

I’m thinking about skipping her long paragraphs of travelling description, but I feel like that will be cheating a bit, so I’ll suffer through them for you.

Chapter 12 of The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones: This chapter was mercifully short and I'm pleased with that, at least.

School just started so I bet I’m gonna go a week without updating this but I’m gonna try really hard not to! They really only take about an hour, mainly because I’m usually so busy trying actively to not read it, because it sucks.

Remember how at the end of the next chapter I told you that I bet the beginning of this chapter would start with them travelling to this party? Guess what:

They made their way from the subway station, Isabelle navigating with the Sensor, which seemed to have a sort of mapping system built in.

just imagine these as all of my facial expressions while reading this book from now on.

Chapter 11 of The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones: apparently I just wanted to reference some awesome 90s movies today.

Jace leaned forward and banged his hand against the partition separating them from the cab driver. “Turn left! Left! I said to take Broadway, you brain-dead moron!”

And this is how the 11th chapter of this wondrous book opens up—our romantic hero abusing a service worker—sooooo charming, right ladies? I’m sure we’re all just falling over ourselves to find someone like him.

Basically, Jace wants breakfast and he wants it now. I don’t get this—we literally left off with Clary finding out someone really fucking powerful left a block in her brain and it’s up to her to figure it out so she can find her mother, and yet here we are listening to Jace invite the whole freaking gang out for breakfast because... why? Does this scene need to happen?